I stop myself from giving my all and showing everyone what I'm made of which really irks me. I'm often afraid of not doing something right or failing and if I do do something I start comparing what I'm doing to others. In some ways, I'm forever looking to make others proud instead of myself first and thats where parts of my "scared to fail" complex stems from.
Other times I feel like if I'm in charge or a big opportunity arises where I get to manage a group of people, I will be seen as a bitch. Yes the B word. Now, I know where this stems from. Often in society Women who are high up the food chain in terms of their careers are seen to be bitches or in order for them to get to where they are or were they had to be a bitch or backstab or be two faced and I just don't think thats a fair portrayal of successful women.
For example, take one of my FAVE films ever, The Devil Wheres Prada. Miranda (the owner of the worlds biggest fashion magazine) is seen to be the biggest BITCH ever. She is so far at the top of the fashion industry, that designers change their design in order to suit her and her vision for their own line. Then you have Andy (one of the assistants to Miranda) who starts off being a sweet, innocent girl and then gets caught up in the fashion world and eventually and unintentionally backstabs a colleague and loses her boyfriend. This film is one prime example of how women of success are seen to be bitches and gives a message that the only way to get to the top is to be a bitch.
I personally don't see why it has to be this way.
I've recently joined a team of highly talented writers from various backgrounds. We're all working for a new site called simplyoloni.com (check it out and sign up). An opportunity came for a girl from each sector to be an editor for their subject area.
I sat thinking for a while - Procrastinating. I knew I had all the experience to do this and I knew that I could do this but I didn't want to be seen as the bitchy bossy boots who tells everyone on their team what to do and how to do it and I didn't want to fail.
In the end I put myself forward, as I knew (after much self doubt) that I could do this. I am now the Fashion Editor and I love every minute of it. As a female you don't have to be that girl that people fear or hate in order to be at the top. I've learnt that you just have to gain somewhat respect and understanding from your colleagues, which doesn't come by making them dislike you or throwing your weight around. Yes, there are times where you'll have to be stern and give orders but its always in the delivery - don't bark, be polite. Being a woman in charge doesn't mean you have to "act like a man" or the "idea" of how a man should act, which in turn makes you just seem like a very big bitch.
I believe in myself to the upmost. I think that is what over rules the doubt I have in myself. I've also learnt to compete with myself, which has helped me not to compare myself to others.
So to round this post off, I just want to say if you ever doubt yourself in any way, shape or form BUT, you know your more than capable of doing anything you put your mind to:
JUST GO FOR IT! You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.
Leah x
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